A collective gasp was heard throughout the country late last month when Bryon Noem, the husband of former Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, was outed for having a big-breasted, Barbie-like “bimbo” fetish.
The headline-making story that caused America to clutch their pearls and give the South Dakota father of three flak for his unexpected kink begs the question: How should we appropriately react when we learn that a public figure or someone in our lives — whether it be a romantic partner, friend, family member or co-worker — reveals that they have a serious kink?
Alexis Ely, a NYC-based sex and relationship therapist and owner of Rowan Healing, suggests not being as judgmental and harsh as the public was with Noem, telling The Post that she was disappointed in both the country’s and his wife’s response to it — regardless of one’s political views.
Ely emphasized that it’s unfortunate that some people have “weaponized the situation into a political ideology,” sharing that “using anyone’s kink as a political pawn hurts all of us, especially those in the kink community or those looking to explore.”
The expert expressed that the scandal and resulting public mockery were not about kink, but more about “shame, secrecy and disconnection” — and that the former DHS head’s public response saying she was “devastated” and that her family was “blindsided” by the revelations came across as “somewhat abandoning.”
“He didn’t get caught on Epstein Island — he’s exploring a consensual kink around gender roles, role play and a form of lingerie, when you think about it,” Ely told The Post. “If she [Kristi Noem] wanted to dress up as a construction worker and wear a strap-on, people might side-eye it, but it’s far more normalized.”
“I felt a sense of sadness for society, that sex is still something weaponized and shamed, rather than normalized,” Ely continued. “Noem’s kink isn’t hurting children, animals or individuals unable to give consent, so it falls within the realm of safe, normal sexual expression — assuming the sex workers he was working with were in fact consenting and not trafficked.”
“The line isn’t kink versus no kink,” Ely added. “It’s consent, safety and honesty.”
But being honest about an oddball kink comes with its own challenges. While society has come a long way in talking more openly about sex, kink-shaming still exists, causing many to privately indulge in their spicy fetishes — without telling a single soul.
New York- and New Jersey-based sex therapist and founder of Boutique Psychotherapy, Dr. Carli Blau, reminded The Post that sexual kinks are nothing to be embarrassed by (so long as they’re consensual), having “existed since humans have existed.”
“It’s now with technology that the ability to find strangers for sexual and behavioral fulfillment is easily accessible and still feels secret,” Blau explained. “People can fulfill their fantasies behind the backs of their partners by going online, but often forget that when things are sent that way, they’re out in the world and can come back to haunt you.”
If a person decides to open up about their sexual fantasies, Athena Gayle, a kink enthusiast, sex writer and intimacy expert, emphasized how important it is to evoke a sense of openness and grace.
“I’ve worked with individuals who can’t even share their spanking kink with their partner … As a society, we don’t give couples the right tools to communicate their desires to each other,” Gayle explained.
“Everyone needs to learn the phrase ‘I’m not going to yuck your yum’ — which is commonly used in the sex space to educate folks on how to respond to something they may not personally be into. It simply means you’re not going to trash what turns someone on,” she told The Post.
Lily Nussbaum, a Big Apple-based sex-positive couples therapist with SelfWorks, agrees and “encourages folks to be curious. Try to learn about a topic before forming and sharing an opinion,” she told The Post.
“We tend to fear what we don’t know, which means often people settle into their initial reactions without learning more,” Nussbaum continued. “Information-gathering is an extraordinary tool for the work of dismantling fear.”
If you learn of a kink that initially shocks you, the expert advises you to “clock” your reaction.
“‘Wow, that surprised me and made me kind of uncomfortable!’ is very different from firmly saying, ‘Wow, that’s bad/wrong,’” she told The Post. “Be honest with yourself and with the other person about your initial reaction to hearing it – maybe you felt a wave of fear, discomfort, or confusion — but let them know that you want to move through it and get to a place of curiosity and openness.”
And if it’s a romantic partner who’s opening up to you about their sexual skeletons, Nussbaum said she would “encourage starting couples’ therapy to offer some supportive scaffolding to the conversations,” Nussbaum, adding, “It might be hard to know what to ask or how to process your feelings about whatever the kink is.”
