She’s crying foul!
Dr. Willough Jenkins, a Canadian and American board-certified psychiatrist specializing in child psychiatry, is revealing the most common parenting mistake she sees — telling your kids to stop crying.
“Telling kids not to cry sends the message that their feelings aren’t valid. Crying is a natural way to express emotions, and it’s important for kids to feel safe by showing how they feel,” Jenkins explained in an August video.
She recommends telling children, “It’s OK to feel sad — let’s talk about it.”
Ashley Pagenkopf, a child life specialist at Cook Children’s Medical Center in Fort Worth, Texas, explains that crying is “developmentally appropriate” at every age.
Crying is a coping mechanism that releases oxytocin and endorphins, two “feel good” hormones that promote feelings of calm, Pagenkopf wrote in a 2022 blog post.
Responding compassionately to a child’s tears, she added, can strengthen the bond between parent and child.
“Research has shown that a parent’s response to a child’s tears affects how the child can regulate their own emotions,” Pagenkopf penned. “Over time, if the response from the parent is consistently negative, the child will ultimately have poor emotional regulation.”
Pagenkopf recommends responding to tears with phrases like, “It’s OK to cry. Let’s also take some deep breaths”; “I know this is super hard and overwhelming. I’m sorry you have to do this. I am here with you”; or “This is super hard, but you can do hard things.”
The Gottman Institute, a training center for therapists, suggests teaching kids how to identify what triggers their sad feelings.
After a crying episode, experts propose calmly asking your child what happened before the tears began. Have them label their feelings (i.e., “frustration” or “sadness”) and recognize the physical signs that they’re upset, like a flushed face.
Then, discuss how to respond to triggering situations. Teach them coping mechanisms like taking a break from the situation, counting to 10 or diaphragmatic breathing.
Not everyone received Jenkins’ advice with open arms. A few commenters pointed out that the child’s tears could be fake.
“Some people regardless of age use tears as a means of manipulation to get their way,” one TikTok user wrote on Jenkins’ post.
“‘Fake crying’ is communicating a need worth exploring, and saying stop crying isn’t allowing exploration of that need — there’s other ways to approach,” Jenkins responded. “I fear children get seen as manipulative rather than connection-seeking too often.”
