Kim Kardashian is in her soccer mom era — but it’s only the beginning. While most little kids are lucky if they get to see their local team losing 6-0 to the next town along, this is the Kardashians — soccer-crazed Saint, 8, has already flown across the world to catch some of the biggest teams in the sport, and even appeared as a mascot for Real Madrid in Spain last weekend.
Kardashian, 43, says that both Saint and his brother Psalm, 5, are huge fans of playing and watching soccer. And that means that she has many, many years ahead of cheering them on from the sidelines. Sounds fun? Sure, until it’s the middle of January and you’re trying to pull your thermal leggings down while wearing gloves in the one, neglected PortaPotty at whichever remote soccer ground you’ve schlepped to in a blizzard.
Soccer mom life can be a steep learning curve, so here at Us, we thought we’d ease self-confessed “lunatic soccer mom” Kardashian into it with a few tips …
Soccer Mom Tip 1: Don’t Make Big Weekend Plans
Soccer IS your weekend now. If you stay out late on a Friday night, you will regret it when it’s 7.02am on Saturday and Saint is asking where his favorite Messi shirt is. If your kid makes the team, it’s deeply frowned upon to miss any games, and you do not want to incite the wrath of the fellow soccer moms in the group chat — especially if your “Saint has a stomach bug” excuse unravels when they see paparazzi photos of you avoiding Taylor Swift at an awards ceremony.
Soccer isn’t just a hobby, it’s a lifestyle. You have to be all in. And the more in you get, the more time it sucks up. If your kid has a talent for the sport, soon you won’t just be driving them across town, you’ll be getting up at 5am to travel to a different state.
Soccer Mom Tip 2: Bring (and Share!) All the Snacks
You pack some cookies and a banana and congratulate yourself on being so organized. Uh-oh … they’ve gobbled up every last crumb by half-time and are already asking for more. All that running around, strategizing and shivering/sweating (location/season dependent) on the sidelines makes a growing kid ravenous.
So, you want to take everything you think they might feasibly want to eat, and then quadruple it. Better still, bring treats for their teammates too. A great way to win over your kid’s new friends and their parents is to be the mom who turns up with a giant tray of donuts, a crate of juice cartons in four different flavors and enough fruit to feed a small country (especially if everybody knows you, Kim Kardashian, could buy a small country if you really wanted to.)
And don’t forget your own cravings either — some soccer venues have better refreshment options than others, so don’t assume you’ll be able to buy your favorite oat flat white from a mustachioed barista and then realize there’s just a broken vending machine. A flask of your hot drink of choice and a few secret snacks of your own are a must to keep you warm, alert and happy.
Soccer Mom Tip 3: Dirt-Proof Your Car/Life
Soccer can be a filthy sport — and we’re not just talking about some of the language you might hear from the bleachers of a big game. If your kid is playing on artificial turf, you’ll be finding tiny pieces of it everywhere for months to come but it’s easy enough to vacuum. If they’re playing on real grass, though, your car and your house are about to get covered in mud. You basically no longer have a human child, but the world’s messiest dog.
Experienced soccer moms have a few tactics. The first is to always bring a special bag for them to toss their boots into as soon as they’ve finished playing. But it’s not just their feet that are likely to be filthy; if they’ve been playing enthusiastically they might well be caked in mud from head to toe. Bring a onesie for them to zip over their clothes (along with some clean socks and a change of shoes), line your car with towels or plastic sheets or, better still, arrange for someone else to give them a ride home and stay pristine forever.
Getting your kid to clean their own muddy boots is a great way to “encourage independence” (read: save yourself the pleasure), too. And if the shoes get stinky on the inside, some people swear by putting tea bags in them overnight to absorb the grossness!
Soccer Mom Tip 4: Be a Team Player
Some kiddy soccer teams are run pretty casually — kids turn up in their own clothes and not much happens between games. But as your kid grows up and things get more serious, there could be expectations of parents taking turns to wash and organize all the kit, transport stuff to games, dismantle equipment afterwards and get involved with fundraisers and other events (be prepared to get your bake on!).
Whether you’re Kim Kardashian or Kim From HR, distancing yourself is not in the spirit of being a soccer mom. If you throw money at the situation, at least try and make it look like you lifted a finger. Your kids will love having an involved parent, too!
But there’s such a thing as being too involved … you don’t want to get a rep as the difficult soccer mom. By all means cheer, scream, jump up and down, be supportive but never pushy, but be kind to the other kids (even if they just got away with a questionable tackle against your angel. Or Saint) and remember, the referee’s decision is final and no amount of whining, eye rolls and Skims will win them over.
Soccer Mom Tip 5: Layer Up
Soccer games go ahead come rain or shine — and your kid will expect you to be there, cheering their name from the sidelines, whatever the weather.
When it comes to watching soccer, or any other outdoor sport you’re forced to give up your weekend for in the name of being a loving parent, it’s all about the layering. You need a coat that looks like a family of six could camp under it and the more pockets the better — not just for all those snacks we talked about, but to shove your hands in when they have turned into blocks of ice. In winter, thermal leggings under jeans are a winner, plus warm socks and sheepskin boot-liners for added snuggliness. Some clued-up soccer parents even bring a piece of cardboard to stand on when the ground is particularly chilly.
If it’s really cold, you’ll also need gloves, of course, but if you want to use your phone to film your baby scoring goals, or simply to scroll Instagram when things get boring (no judgment!), get the touch-screen-friendly kind.
Sunglasses are also worth bringing — even on a cold winter’s day, it can be bright out there, plus if you didn’t follow the first tip about not having a big night out before a game, there may be other reasons for wearing them too. Especially if you happen to be one of the most famous women in the world and don’t want to see evidence of your “off day” all over the internet by noon.
Soccer Mom Tip 6: Learn The Rules
Soccer’s simple, right? They just run around to try and kick the ball in the net? Well … kind of. But, like any sport, soccer has all sorts of other rules and quirks, and if you’re going to devote your life to being a soccer mom, you’ll want to learn them.
Knowing about soccer’s complicated “offside rule”, for instance, means you won’t embarrass yourself by protesting when your kid’s goal is disallowed. Plus, sports are just more interesting if you actually know what’s going on — especially if your kid wants to enthusiastically dissect every minute during the drive home.
Follow these tips and you might have a future Beckham, Messi or Ronaldo on your hands!
