DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for 20 years. She’s an academic, and we’ve lived a transient lifestyle to accommodate her career. She had a greater professional vision than I ever did, so I opted to stay at home and raise the children.
I became Mr. Mom at great social cost. It was hard to make friends, and many in my social circles (or what was left of my social circles) made backhanded remarks, usually behind my back. I don’t regret my choice. We have three fantastic children. All of them earn straight A’s and are kind, loving, respectful people. Had we reversed roles, we’d be poorer and have grumpier, less emotionally intelligent children.
A few years ago, I decided to go back to school and earn my master’s degree, and I now teach as an adjunct at a local college. The kids are older, and I have more free time, but I’m still the primary caretaker. I wanted a job that would give me enough room to look after our older kids while making some side money.
The plan worked out smoothly until we hit financial difficulties. My wife now says I need to change jobs. She wants me to get out of academia because we need the money. She says I need to “grow up and get a real job.” This feels like an assault.
I value my summers because I can continue to look after my kids, who still need care. I feel like had I been a woman, and had she been a man, her attitude would be different. Early in our marriage, we agreed she’d be the primary breadwinner. I love my job and my lifestyle, but she’s making me feel like a mooch. I believe I have lived up to my end of the bargain. Am I wrong? — MR. MOM IN THE SOUTH
DEAR MR. MOM: You are not “wrong,” in that you have kept up your end of the bargain, but your wife may not be wrong either, except in being disrespectful.
The cost of living is higher now than it was even a few years ago. In order to maintain your current lifestyle, it may be necessary to bring in more money than you’ve been earning. It’s no one’s fault that circumstances have changed since the original bargain was struck, but if you don’t adapt, you’ll create hardship for the whole family.
DEAR ABBY: Sometimes when I am at a store waiting to check out, a person will move up very close to me. It isn’t because they don’t have plenty of room. It makes me uncomfortable. What is an appropriate thing to say to someone who crowds you during your transaction? — NEED MY SPACE
DEAR SPACE: Many people feel the same as you do about being crowded at a cash register, because they don’t want anyone peering over their shoulder as they make their payment. All you have to do is turn to the person and say, “Would you mind stepping back? You’re making me nervous.”
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. For nearly four decades, Jeanne Phillips penned this column, which was founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.
