Brandon Bates’ kids run all over him — and he takes it lying down.
However, the married dad to 11-year-old daughter Madison and 7-year-old son Brandon is no pushover.
He’s simply a “horizontal” parent.
“Horizontal parenting lets me enjoy a little relaxation while playing with them without having to worry about getting too exhausted,” Bates, 40, from central New Jersey, told The Post.
“I’m lying down, they’re climbing all over me, we’re bonding,” he said. “It’s an all-around win.”
Unfortunately, however, not everyone sees the laidback approach — which, as you guessed, involves laying down on the floor, bed, couch and beyond — as a success.
Deemed a “lazy” way of caring for kids by naysayers online, the term coined by author Michelle Woo — who literally wrote the book, “Horizontal Parenting: How to Entertain Your Kid While Lying Down,” all about easygoing play in 2021 — is a method used by moms and dads who hope to avoid burnout by scoring a few precious moments of rest while still engaging with their broods.
It’s a bit more interactive than the once-viral “sittervising” strategy, a completely hands-off form of supervising from a distance while the kids entertain themselves.
And it’s a far cry from the ever-controversial “benign neglect” trend, a laissez-faire movement that virtually grants children complete autonomy.
Instead, Woo says horizontal parenting offers a mini mental health boost to mothers and fathers and sparks interactive creativity in kiddos.
“It’s a really fun, unconventional way of connecting,” said Woo, 43, a married mom of two from Los Angeles.
She first dreamed up the nontraditional mommy-and-me technique when her daughter, Maggie, now age 11, was an energetic 6-year-old and son Max, now age 6, was a newborn. Her husband inspired the trend one day during playtime when the pair got down on the floor for some chill fun with the tots.
To write her how-to, Woo collected 50 innovative ideas from friends, as well as mommy-group members on social media, who had also figured out how to enjoy quality time while in recline.
She tells The Post that one of her favorite hassle-free hacks — especially during the most wonderful time of the year, when holiday burnout is at an all-time high — is the “Gift Wrapping” game.
“You lie down, have your kids kid wrap up random objects in wrapping paper, and pretend it’s Christmas Eve and you’re about to go to sleep,” said Woo. “You get to relax while they’re wrapping, and you’re still lying down as you unwrap the gifts.”
Elkey and William Zandstra, Seattle-based parents to 3-year-old daughter Emray and 1-year-old son Ezrah tell The Post that the “Car Massage T-shirt” game keeps their tikes amused and gives dad a much-needed rubdown.
“I drew a road map on the back of his plain white shirt, placing the main road directly on his spine,” said Elkey, 30, a supply chain manager at Amazon and lifestyle influencer. “The kids used a massage roller shaped like a car and drove it around his back while he laid down on the floor.”
“Everyone loved it.”
Footage of their free-spirited family time raked in over 1.4 million TikTok views from impressed parents who hailed the peaceful pastime “genius” and “ridiculously brilliant.”
But William, a stay-at-home dad, calls it “dumb luck.”
“I just had a lightbulb moment,” William chuckled, adding that neither he nor Elkey had ever heard of horizontal parenting until fans flooded their comments section with the term in May.
“It’s about engaging and stimulating your kids by leaning into their interests while you get to, simultaneously, relax your body for a second,” he said, admitting that he usually gets about 20 minutes of tranquil stillness during each escapade.
And since William got going, his creative juices just keep on flowing.
“I love keeping materials like cardboard, felt, tape, makers and paint around the house,” said the full-time father, who regularly fashions the everyday supplies into giggle-inducing games to be played atop his bod.
While the little ones laugh, he’s lounging.
Elkey says William has even been lucky enough to catch a few winks during “Salon Play” and “Tattoo Parlor” — during which Emray and Ezrah use face paint crayons and temporary tattoos, respectively, to decorate dad from head to toe.
“Horizontal parking is so fun and useful,” she said. “Not only for tried parents, but also disabled parents who may not be able to engage with their kids that much.”
“These activities allow them to connect in different ways.”
Bates, whose youngsters are becoming tweens — that kooky phase between childhood and adolescence — hopes the horizontal parenting memories he and wife, Candice, created with their pups last a lifetime.
“We’re building special bonding time with them every day,” said Bates. “As they get older, they’ll always remember having this one-on-one time with mom and dad.”
Here are a few of Woo’s most beloved horizontal parenting practices.
How tall am I?
Have your kid estimate your height by using household objects such as cereal boxes, cans of soup or sheets of toilet paper. Ask them to line up the objects next to your body — which is lying flat on the floor or the couch — and count them to see how close they were to guessing your exact height. The kids can grab different items for additional rounds of play.
Hide and Seek-ish
Instead of you hiding, tell your kids to hide while you yell out guesses about where they are around the house. “Are you underneath the kitchen sink? Are you behind the planter?” They love it.
Crime scene
Pretend that your body has been found sprawled out on the floor and your kid is a CSI agent. Give them painter’s tape to create an outline around your body for some suspenseful “Whodunit?” fun.
Ninja walk
Lie face down, close your eyes and tell the kids to walk past you as silently as possible. But if you hear them make a peep while they’re moving, yell out “Ninja,” and they have to start over from the designated starting point.
